A Sigh of Relief? Iowans 19 Times Less Likely to Die Than Indianans

Many Iowans were perplexed last week when the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Inspector General revealed that Iowa has 19 times fewer things worth blowing up than Indiana, according to the DHS’s National Asset Database.

The National Asset Database (NAD) was created by the Department of Homeland Security to “identify and organize the nation’s critical infrastructure and key resources” in order to remain vigilant in the struggle against our nation’s enemies—Islamofascists and hurricanes.

The NAD lists Indiana as the state with the highest number of critical assets, with 8,591, leading both New York and the District of Colombia, with 5,687 and 416 respectively. Iowa’s 455 places it well ahead of the nation’s capital.

So why, exactly, does Indiana have more critical assets than the seat of national government and the world’s financial capital combined? One need only take a brief look at some of the critical national assets on the list to understand. As the New York Times puts it, the database:

reads like a tally of terrorist targets that a child might have written: Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn factory, the Mule Day Parade, the Sweetwater Flea Market and an unspecified ”Beach at End of a Street.”

The Times article details what happened when one owner was informed that his “Amish County Popcorn factory” was a critical national asset:

”I am out in the middle of nowhere,” said Mr. Lehman, whose business in Berne, Ind., has five employees and grows and distributes popcorn. ”We are nothing but a bunch of Amish buggies and tractors out here. No one would care.” But on second thought, he came up with an explanation: ”Maybe because popcorn explodes?”

Now I don’t know what state the DHS was looking at, but if Amish popcorn factories indicate the standard by which national assets are judged to be critical, then Iowa’s meager 455 sells this gloriously imperiled state far too short.

Osama, I assure you, there’s more to blow up in Iowa that you’d think.

Why, one need only look at www.traveliowa.com to peruse the over 650 tourist attractions worth the righteous scorn of a vengeful servant of god. Need I mention that Iowa also has over 10,000 hog confinements—helping to serve pork to nearly 300 million infidels? And it’s only going to get better! If our wise state leaders have anything to say about it, soon setting fire to a corn field could be a devastating blow to the national fuel supply.

So fear not Iowans, there are reasons to fear for your life. In Iraq, we’re training the next generation of terrorists and can watch their progress with every I.E.D. Our Iran policy is failing to deter a major sponsor of terrorism from acquiring nuclear weapons. Our nation’s borders aren’t secure. And the Department of Homeland Security is too busy sorting and indexing the nation’s popcorn producers to inspect the cargo entering the country through our ports.

If only incompetence was actually funny.

Add comment July 20th, 2006