A Sigh of Relief? Iowans 19 Times Less Likely to Die Than Indianans

Many Iowans were perplexed last week when the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Inspector General revealed that Iowa has 19 times fewer things worth blowing up than Indiana, according to the DHS’s National Asset Database.

The National Asset Database (NAD) was created by the Department of Homeland Security to “identify and organize the nation’s critical infrastructure and key resources” in order to remain vigilant in the struggle against our nation’s enemies—Islamofascists and hurricanes.

The NAD lists Indiana as the state with the highest number of critical assets, with 8,591, leading both New York and the District of Colombia, with 5,687 and 416 respectively. Iowa’s 455 places it well ahead of the nation’s capital.

So why, exactly, does Indiana have more critical assets than the seat of national government and the world’s financial capital combined? One need only take a brief look at some of the critical national assets on the list to understand. As the New York Times puts it, the database:

reads like a tally of terrorist targets that a child might have written: Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn factory, the Mule Day Parade, the Sweetwater Flea Market and an unspecified ”Beach at End of a Street.”

The Times article details what happened when one owner was informed that his “Amish County Popcorn factory” was a critical national asset:

”I am out in the middle of nowhere,” said Mr. Lehman, whose business in Berne, Ind., has five employees and grows and distributes popcorn. ”We are nothing but a bunch of Amish buggies and tractors out here. No one would care.” But on second thought, he came up with an explanation: ”Maybe because popcorn explodes?”

Now I don’t know what state the DHS was looking at, but if Amish popcorn factories indicate the standard by which national assets are judged to be critical, then Iowa’s meager 455 sells this gloriously imperiled state far too short.

Osama, I assure you, there’s more to blow up in Iowa that you’d think.

Why, one need only look at www.traveliowa.com to peruse the over 650 tourist attractions worth the righteous scorn of a vengeful servant of god. Need I mention that Iowa also has over 10,000 hog confinements—helping to serve pork to nearly 300 million infidels? And it’s only going to get better! If our wise state leaders have anything to say about it, soon setting fire to a corn field could be a devastating blow to the national fuel supply.

So fear not Iowans, there are reasons to fear for your life. In Iraq, we’re training the next generation of terrorists and can watch their progress with every I.E.D. Our Iran policy is failing to deter a major sponsor of terrorism from acquiring nuclear weapons. Our nation’s borders aren’t secure. And the Department of Homeland Security is too busy sorting and indexing the nation’s popcorn producers to inspect the cargo entering the country through our ports.

If only incompetence was actually funny.

Add comment July 20th, 2006

Why I’m a Vegetarian

In Bradford, IA, yesterday afternoon, 2,300 pigs were burned to death by agri-business. The ISO Pork facility in Bradford had some kind of cleaning machine malfunction:

The fire was reported at 12:40 p.m. and firefighters were still on the scene in the evening.

Franklin County Sheriff Larry Ritchsmeier said the fire was likely caused by a malfunction in a machine designed to clean the facility.

About 1,350 sows and 1,000 baby pigs were killed, but Ritchsmeier said the death toll could rise due to smoke inhalation suffered by other hogs.

Iowans complain about the smell of hog confinements as they fight for more control in determining where they are located. I can only imagine how bad this must have smelled.

Also, don’t eat meat. KTHXBYE.

1 comment April 12th, 2006

Ban on Complaints?

We missed this column from the Waterloo Cedar Falls Courier last Saturday, but then we found it. In it, Matthew Wilde (who is a staff writer, but who writes columns?) says he agrees with a bill that would impose penalties on individuals who file false environmental complaints against farms, but not before quoting opponents of the bill:

Iowa Citizens for Community Improvement, a Des Moines-based group opposed to livestock confinements, calls the bill reprehensible and believes it puts the well being of large, corporate farmers ahead of citizens.

“The point of this legislation is obvious; it’s designed to intimidate rural Iowans who report factory farm environmental problems into silence,” said ICCI member Kurt Kesley of Iowa Falls. “… We need to start addressing the real issue — the problems factory farms are creating in our countryside.”

How does he counter this Iowa Citizens for Community Improvement organization? By attacking their unrelated beliefs:

I’ve talked with ICCI officials enough to know the group is not just out to stop large corporations like Smithfield Foods or Iowa Select Farms that raise hogs, but the use of confinements period.

So because they’re against confinements, they must not genuinely be against a law designed to discourage complaints?  Such a law can’t raise pretty serious concerns?

It’s like how all of my opinions are wrong because I picked UF and Iowa to be in the Final Four this year. And let’s not pretend that Des Moines’s agriculture policy is designed to help the family farmer and not agribusiness.

3 comments March 15th, 2006